Stripper sister trouble.... long

holly07 · **Posted**: 04-29-2009, 03:51 PM #1

So here's the problem, my older sister and i are both dancers, work the same club and are extremely close. We are best friends, confide in each other, we've been there for each other through rough times, but when she drinks a little too much, she becomes a bitch,. my worst enemy She will degrade every part of my, life,say crab to piss me off, any secret I've told her she uses against me. Last night we worked, she drove and the club took her keys,I was relying on her driving so I drank more than I normally would. So the housemom informs me that they took her keys and could I drive? At first I was like yeah, but then I got a bad vibe and didn't feel comfy driving, so I told my sister I can't. She starts going off "what are you drunk.." I reply "no, but too buzzy" She says" I don't want to spend 60 or 70 on a cab" I tell her"well, it's your fault, I relied on you to drive me home" Then she snaps and starts in on my husband, who has always been kind to her saying "you know he's not very affectionate, proably cheating..." "he's going to leave you.." but when we're sober she tells me how great he is. (She's been divorced 2x) So then she tells me "I'm fat"

we're both trying to lose weight and tone up.I've been busy with school and finals coming up so I haven't been able to work out like I want to, I'm currently 138/ 5'6, have implants and curves, this is the biggest I've ever been, I'm usually 120-128. The battle of the insults continue for awhile, insulting each other. She ends up calling my parents, waking them up to come get her (not the first time), I called my hubby.

The thing is we go through this about every few months. She'll get drunk, start an argument. (up until a few years ago, it used to get physical) Sometimes I won't respond to her insults, other times I bitch back.
So we fight, I stop talking to her for a few weeks, then I forgive her, rebuild trust , start riding together, and then the cycle starts all over. (it sucks too because we both work the same club and neither of us want to switch) When she doesn't drink we get along great, the club has even banned her from drinking, she's lost jobs due to drinking and the drama she starts.
I will start driving myself again, but If she were anyone else but my sister I would ve been done with her a long time ago. Despite all the shit I still have love for her, feels like it gets less after every fight, but I 'm sick of this cycle, she's making me and my husband start to hate her.
I don;t want to trust her cause I'm tired of getting things thrown up in my face. What would you do?

vivianbear · **Posted**: 04-29-2009, 04:28 PM #2

Quote:

Originally Posted by holly07

Last night we worked, she drove and the club took her keys,I was relying on her driving so I drank more than I normally would. So the housemom informs me that they took her keys and could I drive? At first I was like yeah, but then I got a bad vibe and didn't feel comfy driving, so I told my sister I can't. She starts going off "what are you drunk.." I reply "no, but too buzzy" She says" I don't want to spend 60 or 70 on a cab" I tell her"well, it's your fault, I relied on you to drive me home"

Honestly, I think you're both at fault. She drove to work and was obviously not committed to staying sober enough to drive home. You took it for granted that she drove and drank too much to be able to drive yourself. Neither one of you communicated to the other that you didn't expect to be the one to drive. It sounds like this isn't really new behavior for her (or you), so really its a lack of responsibility on both parts. You need to take responsibility for yourself if you see your sister can't be relied on and choose to prepare for the worst. Maybe this is by not drinking on shift or planning another ride at the end of the night.

It sucks when siblings use personal information a an arsenal in a fight. Does she only say these things when she's been drinking? If so, have a serious talk with her while sober about her behavior. If you think she's just being vindictive, you'll have to choose not to escalate to her.

chitownchick · **Posted**: 04-29-2009, 06:16 PM #3

i think it has nothing to do with drinking... if she is degrading you on a regular basis you need to sit down and talk to her, if she cant behave like a human, if she cant operate without thorwing insults around then you will have to do something, either tell her you cant tell her anything anymore because she repeats it to the wrong people and you dont feel you can open up to her anymore.. that will probably make her think. if this shit is getti ng in the way of you both sdtaying close then hopefully things will change

mediocrity · **Posted**: 04-29-2009, 06:36 PM #4

I wouldn't work together anymore, really. Too much damn hassle.

Gia2608 · **Posted**: 04-29-2009, 06:36 PM #5

Wow that sucks, I feel so shitty when I fight with my sisters, I dunno what to say, but I def. think that you shouldn't count on her to drive you home from work. Maybe you shouldn't work together every shift (but once or twice a week) so you're not at each other's throat's all the time.

Brooke · **Posted**: 04-30-2009, 12:10 PM #6

Sisters can hurt us like no one else. I'm sorry that yours said those things to you.

Since she doesn't want to stop drinking, the only way to break the cycle is to not be around her when she is drunk. If that means working separate shifts, they that's what you have to do to break the cycle. Maybe it's as simple as walking in the other direction when you see her drunk. If you have to find another club, it would be worth it to preserve the relationship with your sister.

One thing that I STRONGLY recommend is Al-Anon. Clearly she has a drinking problem, evidenced by not stopping despite the negative consequences and the club banning her from drinking at one point, and them taking her keys on a night she knew she was responsible for driving. You as a person who loves her are left to deal with it, and there are other people in a very similar situation, whether it is their sibling, partner, parents, etc. Attending Al-Anon meetings can give you a lot of strength, insight, and tools for how to lessen the impact of her addiction onto you.

Winged Dinghy · **Posted**: 04-30-2009, 12:26 PM #7

Quote:

Originally Posted by Brooke

One thing that I STRONGLY recommend is Al-Anon. Clearly she has a drinking problem, evidenced by not stopping despite the negative consequences and the club banning her from drinking at one point, and them taking her keys on a night she knew she was responsible for driving.

I TOTALLY second this. Your sister does have a drinking problem, and it affects you, probably even more that you are aware of. I would guess that probably one or more of your parents or grandparents had troubles with addictive behavior such as drinking. It tends to run in families.

My father and sister both had problems with drugs. My dad had a cocaine habit that almost killed him, and my sister started doing meth when she was 12. I never thought it affected me that much, but it did. Al-Anon helped so much.

You need to take care of yourself right now. Find some supports and people you can talk to. Try some counseling. Al-Anon is a great place to start. The people there have been through what you're going through, and worse. They will help you deal with the "cycle" you're stuck in, and even free yourself from it.

holly07 · **Posted**: 04-30-2009, 03:03 PM #8

I agree I shouldn't have relied on her for driving, I'm back to driving myself to and from work.(She hasn't worked since) My mom has said "she's jealous of me". She only says the insults when she's had too much too drink, it like she's psychotic or something. My family and I have tried for years to get her to AL anon, but she refuses. She left me a message apoligizing as usual, but I still haven't spoken to her. In the past after these fights I 've asked why she says the thingss that she does, but she never can explain her actions, just says she's sorry she was drunk, etc.

Winged Dinghy · **Posted**: 04-30-2009, 03:47 PM #9

Quote:

Originally Posted by holly07

My family and I have tried for years to get her to AL anon, but she refuses. .

Well, technically, Al-Anon is different than AA. You may already know this, but AA is for recovering alcoholics. Al-Anon is a support group for the friends and family and loved ones of an addict or alcoholic. It follows the same 12 step model, but with variations.

Though there's no way you can convince your sister to go to AA meetings, you CAN take YOURSELF to Al-Anon. I really encourage you to take good care of yourself. Living with an alcoholic can be incredibly stressful, frustrating, and painful.

holly07 · **Posted**: 05-01-2009, 06:52 PM #10

Oh I see

Brooke · **Posted**: 05-07-2009, 11:51 AM #11

Holly, Al-Anon is for you.

http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/

The home page asks, "Is your life affected by someone's drinking?" I think you can definitively say yes.

"For over 55 years, Al-Anon (which includes Alateen for younger members) has been offering strength and hope for friends and families of problem drinkers. It is estimated that each alcoholic affects the lives of at least four other people... alcoholism is truly a family disease. No matter what relationship you have with an alcoholic, whether they are still drinking or not, all who have been affected by someone else’s drinking can find solutions that lead to serenity in the Al-Anon/Alateen fellowship."

etru · **Posted**: 05-24-2009, 04:48 PM #12

The booze is a problem, but it is also a trigger. I suspect that she has either Borderline. Personality Disorder or is bipolar. I knew a girl with BPD and she made her sister’s life a living hell when she lost her temper. I mean going totally nuclear and throwing out the most horrible insults and dropping the most personal secrets to the last people who should be hearing them. She destroyed many of her sister’s relationships doing so. The next day the apologies would start. Her trigger was stress, not booze. Your sister may need meds. BPD, according to the DSM is indicated thusly:
A pervasive pattern of instability of interpersonal relationships, self-image, and affects, and marked impulsivity beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:
1. frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5.
2. a pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation.
3. identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self.
4. impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating). Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5.
5. recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior
6. affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days).
7. chronic feelings of emptiness
8. inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights)
9. transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms

heidimonster7 · **Posted**: 06-03-2009, 08:07 PM #13

I think Etru is on to something. People don't just normally flip out with alcohol. If they do it consistently it is definitely a sign of some underlying problems.

If this could be looked into and addressed, it may be one step to helping the situation.

Granted, it's hard to say to someone "Hi! You're bipolar and you need help". Talking with a therapist ahead of time on how to address this topic may be beneficial.